Cyclops in La La Land

Sabotage a movie? I can do that. I mean I've done that before but by accident. I remember the X-Men had just stopped the Juggernaut from trashing some LA movie studio and Joel Schumacher was there. I suggested to him that he George Clooney would make an awesome Batman. I can't believe it took them 10 years to make another . . say, that's an idea. If I make a Nick Fury movie with Clooney, maybe that would kill the one being made now.

I hoped in the X-Jet and flew out to Hollywood. My first stop was Kevin Costner. He owed me big time for stealing my idea for The Postman. My story was actually about a girl scout who has to deliver all these cookies after the apocalypse, but it was the same basic thing. Costner told me if I didn't sue, he'd owe me a favor. It was time to cash in.

He agreed to finance my movie and hooked me up with Clooney's phone number. I took a meeting with Clooney and his agent. His agent was a real dickwad who kept going on about needing a script so I blasted him in the face with my optic beam. Clooney quickly agreed. With Costner's $10,000 and my star, I was on my way. I hired a video crew from a company called Ass Master Productions. We headed for a vacant lot to shoot the first scene.

"Okay George, you know what to do right?" I asked after briefing him. "Let's have some quiet on the set, people. Places . .. and act-"

"Wait a minute, Cyclops." George said. "This scene doesn't feel right. No one is going to believe this."

"What are you talking about? It's brilliant!"

"Surviving a ground zero nuclear explosion by hiding in refrigerator? No way, man. It's ridiculous."

"But the fridge is made out of lead. Get it?"

"That's the stupidest, most retarded, idiotic idea I've ever heard. Only a brainless Monkeyboy would put that in a movie."

"But . . but the fridge is made out of lead."

"That's it man, I'm out of here."

With that, Clooney stomped off. Crap. I started to crawl into the fetal position when I had another brilliant idea. I could play Fury!

With everything in place, we quickly shot the movie. I mostly made stuff up as we went along but it was, if I do say so myself, pretty brilliant. We had scenes with Fury cleverly surviving the nuclear explosion, Fury kung fu fighting dozens of Hydra agents one at a time, Fury riding a horse through a church, Fury taking out a car with a helicopter and jumping on top of a plane from a bridge and taking it over, Fury being tricked into making out with a male Hydra agent in a wig, Fury disarming a bomb just as the timer reached one second and Fury disguising himself as a woman.

There was a lot of other great stuff. Since I was under the clock I didn't have much time to edit it, unfortunately. I rented out a theater and took out big ads in the local papers. The premiere was packed. The movie was a huge success. It was so exciting that most people couldn't stand to be in the theater more than 10 or 15 minutes. The ones that could stay were yelling at the screen throughout the movie. I took that as a real compliment, they found it so real they wanted to interact with it. I was also nominated for several prestigious awards - Razzies. The other Fury movie knew they couldn't compete. Their studio forced them to close the production immediately, something about not being able to survive all the bad press. I guess they meant in comparison to my movie.

Mission accomplished.