Sunday, February 8, 2009

Cyclops has another ball

Damn that Noah Bennet! After baby-sitting George Bush a couple of weeks ago I needed a long hot shower. You know, to try and wash off the crazy. Those kinds of showers always take a long time. Anyway, in the middle of my shower the water suddenly got scalding hot. I leaped out of the shower and slipped on a suspiciously placed bar of soap. I landed on my butt, hard. Before I knew what was happening, someone put a bag over my head. Someone named Noah Bennet.

I was about to blast a hole in the bag with my impressive optic blast, when Bennet clocked me in the back of the head with a soggy towel. Seeing as how it was just a towel, I didn't really feel it. Then he used a crowbar. I was out like a light.

When I woke up I found I was in a bear, dank room with gray brick walls. The only things in there was a metal cot and a toilet. The barred door was locked. To my extreme displeasure, there was also a helmet on my head that I couldn't take off. The ruby quartz plate blocked my eye beams.

Food got shoved under the door twice a day which I had to drink through a straw that fit in the mouth opening in my helmet. I knew Bennet was doing all this to me because I heard his annoying, weaselly cackling as he slid the food under the door.

Things were looking pretty hopeless. I spent most of my time curled up on the cot in the fetal position whimpering. Then I got an idea.

I took off the form-fitting, skin tight pants of my X-Men battle suit and ripped them in half. Then I wadded the two pieces up into balls and shoved them down the front of my suit, carefully shaping them to appear to be generous lady bumps.

When I next heard food being slid under the door, I began to scream in my highest pitched voice. Wolverine is always telling me that I cry like a girl, so I thought I'd use that to my advantage. Bennet hesitated. I kept wailing for help. Eventually he opened the door. He stared at me, lying in the floor, screaming. I wiggled my fake breasts at him. He came over to me.

"Cyclops?" he asked in confusion.

"No!" I cried in a falsetto. "My name is . . Maggie! Cyclops switched places with me! Help!"

Bennet hesitated so I jiggled my fake breasts at him again. He unlocked the helmet, pausing to squeeze my pant leg boobs. When the helmet was off, I blasted him in the face.

Grabbing my spare ruby glasses from their hiding place, I raced upstairs to find that the new challenge had just been given - being a bouncer at a bad guy's club. I started to run out to do the challenge when Henchman called me back. We stared at each other for a long moment.
"Where are your pants?" he finally said.

"Oh, uh . . ."

"And what's with the breasts, man?"

"Oh, those are, um, my pants . . ."

He shook his head and walked away.

I yanked the pants legs out of my shirt and pulled them up my legs. I stuck the two pieces together with some safety pins and hurried to the club. It was 5pm when I got there. The only ones there were Lex Luthor and some waiters covering the tables with white clothes.

"Uh, hi," I said to Luthor as I walked over to him. "I'm here about the, uh, bouncing thing."

"It's only 5," he said with irritation. "The Ball won't start for another 3 hours."

I just smiled. My hour will be up before the bad guys even arrive.


Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator said...

You play a woman well.

Too well, almost.

captain koma said...

So that explains why you didn't post last time.

Now what happened in your hour?

Cyclops said...

Nothing. The place was dead. I got there too early.

Mr. Bennet said...

My worst memories always seem to involve you with boobs.