Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Remember, Bob Barker wants you to spay or neuter your superpet

Superpets.

I have a special place in my heart for anthropomorphic animals that hang around a hero for comedy relief purposes.

A dark place full of anger.

Of course, my Junior Intergalactic Gladiators are all familiar with my animosity towards Monkeyboys, but it isn’t just them. I hate all those sidekicks: that stupid Trollan magician who’s always screwing up his tricks, that stupid space monkey with the stretchy tail, the nerd with the browline glasses who’s always shooting people and hanging out with that cool Haitian. I can’t stand any of them.

Yeah, I’ll like this challenge.

For this one, I have to think big. Real big.

OK, maybe not that big. I wouldn’t consider Godzilla a superpet, plus who knows what genitalia he/she has where. I’m on the right track, though.

I head to a school that’s in a city that looks like any city in the US and bust into a hidden attic. There was a cool thunderstorm and it really added to the effect. I startled the lone occupant inside.

“Wh—who are you?” he asked feebly.

“Beat it, squirt,” I answered and shoved his face away with the palm of my hand. The ole pieface gets them every time. It was like one of those cool heel moves that wrestlers do when they push away a smaller opponent. Yeah, I’m playing the heel here I guess. Boo hoo.

The kid tumbled over backwards and landed with a thud. A small cloud of dust kicked up where he landed.

“What are you doing with that book?” he winced.

“Look kid, you don’t understand what you’re dealing with here,” I growled back. “This isn’t just any ordinary book, you know. It’s more like a portal between two realities.”

The kid stared at me with a blankly sacred look.

“Ah, never mind,” I dismissed him. “I’m a Universal Lynchpin and it’s my duty to understand this sort of stuff, your childish and feeble mind could never comprehend dimensions and portals and things with… uh, molecular structures.”

I thumbed through the book until I came to the chapter that I needed.

“Oh look, there they are flying around,” I smiled. “Isn’t that sweet?”

With a little concentration, I imagined myself in the story. I pictured myself weaved into the events of this magical land. I soon felt myself being pulled down, down, into the land of Fantasia.

“Who are you?” asked a child warrior. “Are you here help us against the Nothing?”

“Shut up,” I answered as I sprayed him in the face with a shot from my knockout gun. “I’m here for you, Fuzzy.”

“What do you want with me?” it rumbled with a laugh. “Perhaps you would like me to bring you some luck?”

“Hah, no,” I replied as I pulled out my giant scalpel, making a sharp metallic zing along the way. “This is going to hurt me more that it’s going to hurt you. No wait, no it’s not.”

Falkor yelped and then bared its fangs at me. I see that this isn’t going to be easy, so I shot it in the face with a little knockout gas as well.

“Your gas won’t work on me,” it replied as it blew green mist back out of its mouth.

“I guess we’ll have to do this the old fashioned way!” I leapt up onto his back and dug into his sides with my boots. “He-yeah!”

The dragon launched itself into the sky, swooping around in circles and loops. Diving low and crashing through trees. He tried in vain to shake me off as I held on for life.

“Seriously, how could there be two sequels when it’s the Neverending Story?” I asked. “That doesn’t make sense.”

“I’m not answering you!” it shouted back as it bucked and jerked through the skies.

Hours must have passed as I wondered how much energy this fracking thing had. Eventually, he slowed and I could hear him begin to huff.

“Just land,” I said. “I’ll make this quick and as painless as possible.”

The creature replied by doubling its efforts to shake me. Twisting and turning, spinning and diving. Finally though, it seemed to have spent its energy as it crashed to the ground, throwing me into the bushes in the process.

I stumbled back to my feet and lurched towards the dragon.

“Kids, don’t try this at home,” I said to the creature. It howled in reply at the procedure.

Well that’s over, I guess the only thing I can say is that I’m glad they didn’t ask us to do this the traditional way.