Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Iz-Intergliz-alactic Gliz-adiator in the Hiz-ouse!

Vice President of Marketing and Talent Coordination J’onn Sinew’Nu called me into his office.

“Jonny, my boy,” he said. “Have I got something for you.”

“Dare I ask?” I asked skeptically.

“World’s Toughest Henchman,” he gushed. “You’re in it.”

“Well sure, I was a roadie for my roommate’s brother’s band for a while back in college,” I nodded. “I can see myself doing some of that again. Pull some cable, set up a few drum sets. It’ll be sweet.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, but I’m talking about the World’s Toughest Henchman.”

“Wait, the World’s whatest what?”

“World’s Toughest Henchman,” he repeated. “That 432 guy’s hosting it. It’s going to be our next ratings bonanza.”

“Yeah… I don’t think I want to do this,” I said. “Besides, I’m not a henchman, I’m a hero. A loner, a rebel. Getting by in a universe he didn’t create. The guy who usually beats up henchmen. You know, all that.”

“Too bad,” Sinew’Nu countered. “It’s in your contract. You’re a henchman now.”

“In my contract? It wasn’t in my contract before.”

“You Earthlings sure have a primitive view on legally binding agreements,” he sighed. “You have to be more fluid.”

“More fluid,” I repeated dully.

“More fluid!” he repeated excitedly. “Besides, think of the merchandising. Think about all these other guys competing, you’re sure to win. I mean, that Cyclops guy may be a nice fellow and all, but what he’s got sure doesn’t play on Peorion, as they say.”

“They do say that,” I nodded thoughtfully.

“Now you’re getting it!” Sinew’Nu beamed.

“Well OK, I guess,” I shrugged. Meh, it might be a nice vacation. And hey, I just might win, too. “Where do I go?”