Cyclops has a ball

Crap! Professor X told me I had to go and do this game show. I told him the last time I did one of these things, I wound up naked in a desert somewhere. I really didn't want to do another one of these. He said it would be good for my character. I told him there was nothing wrong with my character and anyway, what the prize was el lamo. I mean I'm not anyone's flunky. I'm leader of the X-Men! Unless Storm is around. Then she takes over.

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Anyway he said I had to go so I went to pack and found all of my uniforms were missing. I noticed a burned out cigar stub at the bottom of my closet which is odd since I don't smoke. I asked everyone if I could borrow their suit but no one had a spare. I ended up having to borrow an old Marvel Girl costume from Jean. It's kind of embarassing but at least I have great legs.

I jumped on an X-Bike and hurried to the contest. Everyone had already started off on the first challenge. We had to get some dragon's balls apparently. The only dragon I know is Kitty's pet, Lockheed. No way that guy is letting me anywhere near his testies.

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Henchman handed me a dragon ball tracking device. Perfect. I jumped back on my bike and turned the thing on. Just then I noticed a rather hot looking chick standing nearby. She had a cheerleader outfit on. Very sexy. I gave her a wink and showed her some leg. Her eyes rolled around which I took as a good sign. I moved closer to her but then I caught a whiff of her perfume. It was White Diamonds.

For some reason I am horribly allergic to anything having to do with Elizabeth Taylor. I let loose a huge sneeze, spraying the chick with a snotty mist. My ferocious sneeze also dislodged my special ruby quartz glasses, leaving my eyes momentarily uncovered. My optic blast shot out, shattering the dragon ball tracker.

Crap!

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I threw a kleenex at the chick and hurried back to Henchman. I asked him if he had any extra tracking devices and he just laughed his ass off. I walked back to my bike and saw the cute cheerleader was still there, toweling off. I figured now was my shot since the ice had already been broken. I gave her my best line.

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"Hey baby, there are 265 bones in the human body. Would you like one more?"

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"What? Get the hell away from me you perv!"

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She seemed pretty mad. Maybe the line was a little strong. Wolverine swore it would work. The thing was, the cute chick didn't leave. Maybe she was just being coy. I decided to try another line.

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"Let's play carnival," I said. "You sit on my face and I guess how much you weigh."

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Her mouth dropped open and then she smacked me hard across the face. My glasses went flying. That seems to happen a lot. Maybe I should try ruby quartz contact lenses. As I crawled blindly around the ground trying to feel for my glasses, the blond cheerleader kept yelling at me.

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"When my daddy gets here he is going to shoot you right between the eyes! He has a huge gun and he loves to use it! I'm going to tell him what you said to me and then you're dead, creep!"

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I put on my glasses and looked up at the chick. She was fuming. She was also wearing a short skirt. That made up for a lot.

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"Oh yeah," I said as I got to my feet. "Well I'm a big time super-hero baby and I'm not afraid of your dad."

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"You should be!" she shot back. "A lot of people tremble when they hear the name Mr. Bennet!"

Mr Bennet? He's that four eyes guy from the other game show? He's out getting a dragon ball? Hmm. That gave me an idea.

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"Look, you're name is Claire, right?" I asked. "We kind of got off on the wrong foot. I'm sorry about sneezing all over you and everything."

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She folded her arms across of her chest and was still scowling, but at least she stopped talking.

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"In fact, you still have that gunk in your hair." I pointed at the side of her head. She started to get a little nervous. "You look kind of like Carmen Diaz in Something About Mary."

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With a loud squeek, Claire ran off for the rest room. Just then I saw Mr. Bennet down the block headed this way. I ducked into a doorway and just as he was passing by, blasted him in the back. He went sprawling on his face. I jumped on top of him, patting him down and found the ball in his pocket. Triumphantly, I ran over to the Henchman to deliver my prize.

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Now I realize that shooting someone and the back and stealing from him isn't particular heroic but I'm trying to play by the rules of this game because that's the kind of guy I am. One who follows the rules. Also it was a lot easier.