Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator: Dragon Ballsie

The first mission was handed down to us and I was ready to roll because that’s how I roll.

We were told that we could use the Dragon Radar but conveniently, Henchman432 didn’t tell us if we would be issued one or if we had to go get one. Because I’m a henchman now, I just assumed that I’d have to go steal one. It was easy sneaking into Castle Corp because I am a sneaky guy.

I used the mini EMP on my Wristcomm to disable the security devices and I quickly made my way to the laboratory and started rummaging around to find the device.

“Freeze right there!” Someone commanded from behind me. I turned and saw a soldier in a generic looking set of fatigues pointing a laser rifle at me.

I looked at the weapon. “An XMLR-3A laser rifle, you must be on the Joe team.”

“Yeah, what’s it to you?” he answered. “Get your hands up.”

“You look like one of the Greenshirts,” I continued. “Got a codename yet?”

“No,” he sighed dejectedly.

“Hey I understand,” I nodded and smiled all friendly-like. “You want to serve your country, you’re the best at something. You get recruited by G.I.Joe and now you’re just cannon fodder. I was recruited by the Joes once myself and now look where I am. Out of the Army and being a henchman just to make ends meet.”

“Man, my job sucks,” he sighed even louder and lowered his weapon. “They only call us if they need a bunch of bulletstoppers to haul energy mirrors to Washington or lead a charge in a bunch of mini tanks against a Cobra base. My tank’s always the first to get shot, too. Good thing I can jump pretty good.”

“I hear you man,” I said. “If there weren’t parachutes available when I was in that Tomahawk helicopter, I’d be a burned up smear out in the Pacific somewhere. You and I are a lot alike. I’m not here to hurt anyone, I just want to grab a Dragon Radar and get out. I’ll be gone in a flash.”

“A Dragon Radar?” he asked. “We don’t have radar here, this is the lab that’s developing ejector seats for the Mauler tanks.”

“It is? I thought this was the Castle Corp, you know where Bulma and Dr. Briefs work.”

“Oh no, that’s the Capsule Corp,” he replied. “They’re just up the street a bit.”

“Oh, Ok,” I smiled. “Thanks for your help, I’ll just make my way out the window here and be on my way.”

“OK, see you later, man,” the grunt smiled. Just to be sure though, I shot him with a little knockout gas. I couldn’t be too careful. I then leapt out the window and swung over the security gate on a convienient rope. I suppose that was a little too swashbuckley for a henchman, but I was feeling the moment, you know.

I made my way to the Capsule Corp lab and quickly located a Dragon Radar. It was a small green circle with blinky things on it and with one quick yoink it was in my hands.

“Excuse me, what are you doing here?” I heard a voice behind me.

Not again I thought as I quickly turned around to face the owner of the voice. It was Bulma herself; at least I assumed it was. How many women with green hair do you think are running around this building? Oh yeah, plus she had that hat on.

“Wait, aren’t you Jon the Intergalactic Gladiator?”

“Er, uh yes I am,” I replied with a sheepish shrug. Ooh, that would be nasty of me to trade on my celebrity credentials to get the radar. Heh heh, I’ll do it anyway. I smiled broadly and stuck out my hand. “I’m very glad to meet you.”

“I don’t think so.” She refused my hand and nodded to the device. “Put that back right now.”

“Look see, I have to borrow it for…” I started to explain but then I figured to heck with it and shot her with a little knockout gas. She’ll be out long enough for me to make my getaway and when she comes to, the details of our encounter will remain hazy. Good for me, too, because her husband is one of those “punch first and ask questions later” kind of guys. I hate to have him after me.

I’m just a henchman, I chuckled to myself. I’d never stand a chance.

With my precious cargo in tow, I quickly jumped out of the window onto the top of my trusty space plane the Danger Sled. Interestingly enough, the Dragon Radar has an Intergalactic Serial Bus port on it and I was able to plug it into my ship’s sensors.

In no time flat, I was in the middle of a desert and digging through the sand. The radar pointed me right here and I was getting excited at the prospect of finding one.

“Wait a minute,” I said to myself as I clawed through the fine grit. “These Dragon Balls have power right? If I get the power from this one, maybe I don’t have to be just a henchman after all. I could be so much more. I could be like the team leader of a bunch of henchman!”

Glowing energies pierced through the ground and I eagerly grabbed it. I felt it course through me, bathing me in super extraterrestrial juice. I felt the change, I felt something new and exciting wash over me, knowledge that I’ve never had before pulsed through my brain.

INGREDIENTS • 1 1/2 cups uncooked long grain white rice • 3 cups water • 5 cups diced cooked chicken • 1/2 cup mayonnaise • 1/2 cup plain yogurt • 1 (10.75 ounce) can condensed cream of mushroom soup • 2 cups chicken broth • 2 tablespoons lemon juice • 3 tablespoons chopped onion • 1 (8 ounce) can water chestnuts • 1 1/2 cups sliced almonds • 1 cup chopped celery • 2 teaspoons ground white pepper • 1 tablespoon salt • 3 cups cornflakes cereal • 1 cup butter, melted DIRECTIONS 1. Combine rice and water in a saucepan, and bring to a boil. Reduce heat, cover, and simmer for 20 minutes. 2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F (175 degrees C). Lightly grease a 9x13 inch baking dish. 3. In a large bowl stir together the cooked rice, diced chicken, mayonnaise, yogurt, cream of mushroom soup, and chicken broth. Mix in the lemon juice, onion, water chestnuts, 1 cup of sliced almonds, and celery. Season with white pepper and salt. Transfer the mixture to the prepared baking dish. 4. In a bowl, toss the remaining 1/2 cup sliced almonds and cornflakes cereal with the melted butter. Spread evenly over the casserole. 5. Bake 35 to 45 minutes in the preheated oven, until lightly browned.

What the heck was that?

12 eggs, separated 6 cups milk 2 cups heavy/ thickened cream 2 cups bourbon 1+ ½ cups sugar ¾ cup brandy 2 teaspoons ground nutmeg In a large bowl and using a mixer, beat the egg yolks together with the sugar for approx 10 minutes (you want the mixture to be firm and the colour of butter). Very slowly, add in the bourbon and brandy - just a little at a time. When bourbon and brandy have been added, allow the mixture to cool in the fridge (for up to 6 hours, depending on how long before your party you're making the eggnog). 30 minutes before your guests arrive, stir the milk into the chilled yolk mixture. Stir in 1+ ½ teaspoons ground nutmeg. In a separate bowl, beat the cream with a mixer on high speed until the cream forms stiff peaks. In yet another bowl, beat the egg whites until stiff peaks form. Gently fold the egg white mixture into the egg yolk mixture. Gently fold the cream into the egg mixture. After ladling into cups, garnish with the remainder of the ground nutmeg.

There was another one. Egg nog?

INGREDIENTS • 1/4 cup sliced leek (white portion only) • 1/4 cup chopped celery • 1 tablespoon butter or margarine • 1 (10.75 ounce) can condensed tomato soup, undiluted • 1 1/4 cups water • 1 cup fresh cauliflowerets • 1/2 cup frozen peas • 1/4 teaspoon dill weed • 1/4 teaspoon salt DIRECTIONS 1. In a saucepan, saute leek and celery in butter until tender. Stir in the remaining ingredients. Bring to a boil; reduce heat. Cover and simmer for 12-16 minutes or until the vegetables are tender.

Awww. This Dragon Ball is just some kind of depository for a bunch of dumb recipes. This sucks. Whatever. I’m taking it in anyway.