"That loser," I explained, "happens to be the biggest number two in the galaxy."
"Like, whatever! He's, like, got asthma and stuff. So, uncool."
There was no way I could change her mind. If there's one thing I know about cheerleaders, it's that they don't date anyone from the Star Wars universe. That meant I'd have to actually put some effort into this challenge. Lord Vader wants a prom, and I'm going to have to give him one.
Unfortunately, prom happens to be a very expensive ordeal. Fortunately, before he left, I pickpocketed $1,262.13 from Jon.
"This place is perfect," I said to the Administrator. "I want to book it for Vader's prom."
"Sure thing," the charming official replied, "Now, let's just discuss the fee."
"The fee?" I rubbed my chin in preparation for the upcoming negotiation tango that, being in the paper business, I'm all too familiar with. "How much did you have in mind?"
"Well, let's see..." he began. "How much do you have on you?"
"One thousand, two hundred and sixty-two dollars and-" Luckily, I caught myself as I made the fatal faux pa. Thinking quickly, I managed to minimize the damage. "And no cents," I coolly finished.
"Well, then," he replied, "That just so happens to be what I charge for something like this."
And so I obtained a venue, the wonderful Cloud City, for Lord Vader's big night of romantic awkwardness and sweaty armpits.
Finally, the big day arrived. "Rise and shine, Romeo," I called out as I entered Vader's Meditation/Life Support Chamber.
"I don't want to go to prom!" he replied, still in bed.
"What? Why not?"
"What's the point?" he sobbed. "Padme's not here."
"There are other fish on the buffet," I offered. "In fact, I got just the girl for you."
"You do?" the dark lord replied, rising from his bed. "Like who?"
"TV Personality, Melissa Rivers."
"She has a meditation slash life support chamber, too!" I added.
He looked at the picture and screamed, "NooOocoOoOoOOOO!!!!"
"How about not ever doing that again?" I said. "Calm down. I've got a back up girl you'll love. Just get into the limo. She'll be at the prom."
The truth was there was no back up girl.
"Listen," I said on the limo ride over. "Looks like we're going stag to this prom thing. But don't worry. I'm a great wingman."
"What?" Vader seemed annoyed. "I wanted to get laid tonight!" The limo's liquor bottles began to shake.
"Calm down," I said. "I'll walk you through it. We'll get you a woman." I gave him a shot of vodka as we pulled into the parking lot.
Vader entered the building confidently. "We're getting laid tonight. I can feel it," he announced. "There'll be no one to stop us this time."
We started off casually. We made our way around the room, scoping out the possibilities.
Darth Vader came to a halt. "Obi-Wan is here," he said, "The Force is with him."
I looked over to see an old drunk dancing alone.
Then, I noticed a scantily-clad woman standing by herself against the wall. She was holding a glass of punch and looked ready to be swept off her feet. "There's your girl," I said.
"I don't know," Vader said. "Maybe we should..uh, mingle some more first."
"Don't chicken out on me, man!" I said grabbing him by the shoulders. "The worst she can do is say no. Just go up to her and ask her to dance."
Vader pumped himself up with a few words, and I gave him a pat on the back as he walked toward the girl.
The girl took Vader's hand, and they both moved onto the dance floor. I watched happily from afar.
"It makes me wish I had a son," I thought aloud.
As the night drew to an end, Vader came up to me. "The girl is great," he told me. "She wants to get out of here, and I told her we could take the limo. Do you think you could find a way home?"
"Sure," I said, seeing the hopeful gleam in his mask's shiny eye bulges. Our little Sith lord was about to become a Sith man. "Use the Force," I called out, "and protection."